The Journal of the Time-Lost Joshua Donovan

It wasn’t something that Joshua dreamed about much, but suddenly being in the apartment his parents had before Claudia arrived wasn’t too far off the map.

Smelling a very familiar scent, Joshua wandered into the kitchen to find his father at the table smoking a joint.

“You sure you don’t want one? I have extra.”

Joshua rolled his eyes and walked over to the table. “If it was something other than a dream joint, then perhaps I would, but it would probably just frustrate me more.” He paused. “Hi Dad.”

“Hey, you.” Before Joshua could sit down, Peter got up and pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry I fucked up.”

Joshua hugged his father back, clinging a bit. “I should have been there. It was my own damn procrastination that kept me in Lincoln that weekend. I should have been there, and then I could have helped, or reminded you, or something.”

Peter sighed. “Oh, stop blaming yourself, you dumbshit. We were on a date, and you stopped wanting to tag along on those when you were five. And it’s not like either of us had a phone handy - and even if we did, I wouldn’t have thought being tired was worth bugging you. If you’d been there, I might have plowed the damn car into a tree anyway. It’s not your fucking fault. This one’s all on me.”

“Yeah, well. I...” He shook his head, and plunked down on one of the chairs. “I still feel like I should have been there, should have done something to help.”

“And that is because you never did deal with anything unless you were high.” Peter rolled his eyes. “Get on that, kid, seriously. Besides, you did what you needed to. You took care of Claud. Couldn’t ask for more than that.”

“Yeah, well. You tell me how to get some fucking pot in buttfuck South Dakota. I remember you had it bad in Sioux Falls sometimes.” Joshua sighed. “And, I did to a point. And then I fucked up again and left her.”

“You didn’t fuck up, you had an accident. There’s a difference.” Peter pulled the ashtray closer and stubbed out his joint. “As for the pot, let your girlfriend do the driving, keep an eye on the landscape until you spot some, buy some seeds from the owner and grow your own. Problem solved. You have a fucking satellite interference machine, don’t you? Not to mention there’s enough badges around that damn place to deal with anyone who came prying.”

“Damnit, Dad, why do you have to be so logical when it comes to pot?” He leaned back in his chair. “Maybe I will. Besides, I could always say that it’s just a plant-based Artifact that I’m fucking around with. Honestly, the only person who’d care would be Artie, and he can shove it.” He pauses. “And… I knew what I was getting myself into. It wasn’t just an accident. I knew I might be leaving Claudia behind, and I didn’t care.”

“Yes, you did. You wouldn’t be beating yourself up over it fifteen years later if you didn’t care.”

“That’s not the point, Dad. I care now, I cared before. I just… in that moment, I didn’t.”

“The Donovans, way too fucking hard on ourselves since 1954.” Peter rolled his eyes. “You cared even then, and I bet some part of you knew Claud would be fine. She’s resilient. So are you. And it all worked out in the end. Get yourself stoned and let it the fuck go, kid.”

“You do realize, Dad, that most parents would be telling me the exact opposite.” He shook his head, laughing a bit to himself. “Donovans, doing what people least expect since… who the fuck knows when.”

“And since when were Claire and I most parents? You won’t relax enough to get anything really useful done if you don’t. Let go of all the baggage that’s weighing you down and trust your instincts. You got this.”

“If it was anyone other than you, Dad, I think I’d tell them off for shit advice.” Joshua shook his head. “It’s just with you and Mom somehow it all worked out. How the hell’d you pull that off?”

“Hard work and dumb luck. Me knowing how to balance a budget and her being smarter than me. You guys completely outclassed me.” Peter smiled. “I’m proud of you, though. You and Claud. You both turned out great.”

“You’re pretty damn smart yourself, Dad. Don’t try to say you aren’t. You kept up with Mom and Claudia and I pretty damn well.” Joshua shrugged. “Besides, finance isn’t easy.”

“Never said I wasn’t, but you guys had me beat by miles. I’m just glad you and Claud found a good use for your talents. You two are good for that place, and it’s good for you.”

“Well, I know it’s good for Claud, at any rate.” Joshua shrugged. “I’m still not completely certain that I won’t fuck it up, though.”

Peter raised his eyebrows. “As I recall, the debate team problems came from the people who gave a shit not having the time and the people who had the time not giving a shit, and you still took that clusterfuck and won nationals. You’re a leader, Joshua, whether you like it or not. And you’re not going to fuck it up any more than Claud will.”

He made a grumpy face, shaking his head. “Damn it, Dad, why can’t you be as illogical as people think you are? It’s awkward sometimes.”

“Because I don’t believe in lying to my kids. You’d figure it out sooner or later. Your heart’s already there, we just need to get your head in the game. That’ll come with time, though.”

“We’ll see.” Joshua paused, and poked at the joint in the ash tray. “I miss you, Dad. I don’t think I realized how much until lately.”

Peter sighed. “I miss you too, kid.” He reached across the table and ruffled Joshua’s hair. “But we’re still with you, and you damn well know it.”

“Heeeeeeeey.” Joshua made a face and fussed with his hair. “You know how terrible my hair gets when you do that.” He smiled, though, and took a deep breath. “I know you’re with me. Even more when I see Mom in Claudia.”

“And you’re too much like me for your own good.” Peter smiled. “But you’ll be fine. Trust yourself, Joshua. You got this.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

A few days ago, Joshua's boss had rung him up and told him that one of his fellow Regents had died in a boating accident, and everyone was going to New Hampshire for the funeral. Halfway there on the plane, Artie (seated beside him because he refused to upgrade to first class, and Joshua was the one who bought the tickets) started chattering about the case he had sent Claudia on, and his intention of going to check up on her after the funeral.

"Bad idea, Artie." Joshua shook his head. "She doesn't take that shit well."

"Oh, she'll be fine. I just want to see how she's doing."

"Bad idea theater. Honestly."

With another shake of his head, Joshua fell silent again and the rest of the flight was uneventful. At the airport, they met up with his boss and Jane. Artie wandered off to rent a car mumbling something about driving to Boston. After even more admonitions about how bad of an idea driving in Boston would be, the Regent trio shook their heads and drove off to the service.

Joshua was quiet during the entire thing, which seemed so out of place, all of the loud and emotional prayers, all of the gospel singing, and the tributes to the dead woman that made Jane roll her eyes and mutter things under her breath that Joshua never really caught.

Eventually, the service was over, and they proceeded to the cemetery. Everything was fine until the minister started talking about ashes and dust, and something caught in Joshua's throat. Closing his eyes, he quietly backed up and walked away from the group at the grave.

A moment to himself would be enough. He just needed a moment. Really.

Joshua has been a huge ball of stress lately. He's been going back and forth from his lab to Milliways, to a few meetings, and back to bed, only to flop down and not really talk to much of anyone.

Today, however, most people are out, and he's on the couch with a mystery book and a cup of tea.

It's been a long month or so.