damncompass: with Claudia (modern family)
After talking to Charles and Claudia, Joshua went upstairs and locked himself in his room with his laptop, the dissertation, and some ear plugs.

After about two hours of data, analysis, epic music, and feeling like he was pulling facts out of his ass, Joshua slapped the top to his laptop down, and just barely refrained from tossing the thing across the room. This was stupid, idiotic, useless, and getting him absolutely nowhere good. Flopping back on his bed, he stared at the ceiling as the music changed with his thoughts.

Listening to the music for a moment, Joshua got up, rummaged in the desk for a pen and some (unfortunately graph) paper, and sat down to actually write for once.


You know that I've never really been one for words when it doesn't involve science. I think that's part of why I haven't actually talked about what happened to us. We both know what happened, we know the facts, so why go over it?

But we need to. We should talk. There's so many things I want to talk about, want to say. Frankly, though, I'm scared. You've become a woman that I'm proud of, stronger than either of us thought, or really thought we needed. I am so proud of what you've accomplished, Claud. Every day that we talk, I'm amazed at who you are and what you do even without thinking about how awesome it is. You hacked into an international government warehouse and kidnapped one of its most senior agents just to get me of all people out.

Me. Mister fuck-up damsel in distress over here. I know that nothing I could ever say would convince you that I'm not even worth your time let alone your almost-death, but I still can't help but believe it to be true. You saved me, Claud. Not just by pulling me out, but pulling me
back. I was actually feeling myself fading in there, and not only fading but blacking out. Each time I blacked out, I thought I was done for. It... well, let's just say it's not a very good feeling, confronting your own death time after time like that. I can't even begin to tell you what it was like when I saw you in the lab for the first time. You were so grown up, but also so tortured, and I just wanted you to go and live your life, and not bother with me, with the past. Clearly you're all about the future. (not that the future is a bad thing.)

Would I change it if I could? I don't know. I might. I might change it so I wasn't pulled back from that space so you could move on. I might study something else so that fuck-face wouldn't have had the chance to prey on my naivete and give me that damn compass. But my fuckup got you the home I could never give you. You're coming into yourself, Claudia, not as my little sister, but as yourself. You know who you are, who you want to be, and it isn't some reflection of me. That's wonderful. I'm more proud of you than I can say. Hell, lately, I've been feeling like I've been scrambling to keep up with you.

And that's why the research. I discovered time travel, Claud. Well, ok, I discovered that molecules were colliding before we sent them down the collider, and that much of the antimatter in storage is now just lumps of scientific-grade depleted uranium. But it's a discovery. No one else was even looking at that. It's useless, though. It would take so much funding and so much time and space to make it into something that even I don't know if it would work. Again, useless research courtesy of Joshua Donovan.

That's why the other research, though. I want to contribute something that will help. You were right as always, I was Artifacted. This thing from Shinji's desk went all artifacty. I keep neutralizing it, and poking at it, and trying to get somewhere with researching it, but I don't have the tools, I think. I'm determined to get somewhere, though. Because how can you be safe if you don't actually understand these things that are putting your life in danger every day? I know I'm not really good for much, but damnit, Claudia, I want to help. I want to keep you safe like I always wanted to, but fucked up. I did want to be there like I promised, but, well, we both know how that turned out.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late!) I'm proud of you, Claudia, you've saved me so many times, and I'm doing what I'm doing for you. I want to in any way that I can make things better or safer for you. It's what I've always done, and always will do.

I love you, little sis,

After he finished, Joshua stared at the paper for a moment, then crumpled it up and tossed it at the trash can. Yeah, like he could actually give her that. Sighing, he flopped back on his bed and tried to sleep.


damncompass: smiling (Default)
Joshua Donovan

July 2014

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